I am a try-something-and-reflect-on-it kind of person.
It’s how I learn about my life and myself. So this past week I sat down to consider some of the key things I’ve learned about myself and this process over the past two months of being a full-time artist. It has truly been surprising to me! And I’ve noticed things I never expected to affect or be a part of this chapter.
Simply sharing this because these are all things I didn’t expect to happen. I think we all wonder what it would be like to go from working a job to working for ourselves. At least, I have always wondered (and hoped, and prayed, and tried…). So to be sitting here now is exhilarating, and nerve-wrecking, and awesome, and also just very surprising.
1. Loose, flexible structure is better than no structure or rigid structure (aka there truly is a middle ground).
I have been on both ends of this spectrum.
I have gone from having no structure at all (which can feel kinda like you’re going with the flow and not making a ton of consistent ground and hoping something sticks), to phases of my life when I tried planning and scheduling literally everything (which can end up leading to burnout, exhaustion, anxiety, and trying to control all outcomes)
… to now this interesting, beautiful space I’ve found in the middle.
I have read in the past about ways other “business owners” have structured their days and weeks, but I naturally fell into a routine and rhythm that’s perfect for me. It allows just enough structure to help me keep up with all the different projects and visions I am tending, while also enough flexibility for spontaneous inspiration or anything else that’s come up.
Each Monday morning, I set aside about an hour to truly feel into what the week holds, set any intentions for the work I have coming. Mondays are for meetings, for anything I need to prep for the week ahead (last minute errands or running a load of laundry) and writing posts for one of my IG accounts. Anything that needs to be done right away gets priority, and anything that needs to provide structure for anything coming up that week happens on Mondays.
Tuesdays are flexible and wide open. I go to the nature reserve to jog or walk to the creek for yoga before beginning anything else. These are studio days, and long stretches of time spent on art or music.
Wednesdays are for writing - sometimes written words and sometimes music. I will go to a local coffeeshop and spend a few hours writing a chapter in the book I’ve been working on, along with anything else that needs to be written and shared (posts, emails, etc). Then afternoons are up in the air for whatever feels good to do or needs tending.
Thursdays always seem to be a day of processing. I am learning that a lot of “things” come up while I’m in the zone - ideas, wounds, memories, stories, prompts, downloads, etc - and Thursdays seem to be the days when it all catches up to me and I need lots of time to process what I’m thinking, feeling, and receiving. Aka - this is a “take care of me” day. It’s journaling, uploading/downloading/editing photos, writing reflections of what I’ve learned, spending lots of time in the sun and in nature, and sometimes just crying (often tears of gratitude, not pain!).
Fridays are different each week! Sometimes it’s meeting a friend for coffee, painting, running errands, or just spending time at the pool or relaxing. Sometimes it’s getting ready to go out of town for the weekend.
It has been so freeing to allow myself to gravitate to this loose weekly schedule. I don’t beat myself up if I don’t get done the things that I thought I would get done, and I happily allow for interruptions and surprises, because as I’m continually learning, it’s all part of my unique process.
2. It’s not all studio time.
I mean, if you read what I shared above, you’ll see what I’m talking about. Years ago, when I was only dreaming of what it would be like to create for a living, I thought it would be day in, day out, studio time. Now, don’t get me wrong… I still dream of that reality. But right now, there is still tending and growing to be done. There are still projects needing to be nurtured, structures to put in place, and honestly, there are still things I am working out of my system so that I can spend more time in the studio. I believe it all has a time and a place, and if it’s taken me a few years to get to this point, then I know it will take longer than a month for me to hit a real stride where I’m not spending as much time generating posts or creating videos. Who knows? Not me. I am done trying to figure it all out and trusting that what needs to be done will be done, and what needs to be shared will be shared.
3. THIS WILL BE A VERY EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE.
It is no surprise that I am an emotional person. I cry when I’m happy! I cry when I’m thankful! Everything has the ability to move me. This is why I allow so much space in my schedule to just be. To truly feel whatever comes up. Not to push it away for the sake of “meeting a deadline” or showing up for work. No. I’ve made a commitment to myself that I will not bottle myself up anymore because that has never served me and it doesn’t support my healing.
I will let the emotions move through me.
So if that means I drop the kids off at school and spend about 30 minutes in the car crying because I am thankful for this opportunity to heal, to paint, to sing, to just be myself, then I will do it fully. Because as far as I am concerned, it is so worth it to be able process in real time as the emotion comes up… I then feel a thousand times more clear to go through my day in peace instead of it just eating away at me while I try to distract myself.
I don’t think it will always be this way, but I think for now, there are just so many things coming up to be healed that have been suppressed for so long, it’s as if my body is saying, “Caitlin, it’s time. Let’s heal this.” So I’m down.
4. I actually enjoy small talk now because i don’t have a backlog of ideas and visions trying to get my attention while you’re talking about politics.
If you know me in person, you know I love talking to people. ESPECIALLY strangers. I love telling stories and making people laugh. I know we all have bad days, so when I run errands or go to the dentist or anything in between, I genuinely hope to make people have a brighter day…
But in my personal relationships, I have a tendency to melt. I want to talk about the deepest things ever, which can end up leaving me either feeling misunderstood or drained because now we’ve been talking endlessly for 6 hours straight because we will never run out of things to talk about…
I didn’t realize until now how much I had inside of me that wanted out. Just wanted out. Just wanted to be said, to be spoken, to be written, to be expressed. And since I’ve had all of this time alone…
I actually have let out so much of my own self that I actually enjoy small talk with people I already know. Like, at the end of the day, I am tired in the best way. I’ve used up all that I have on my own, for myself, on my own work, so it’s refreshing to not talk… or to just talk about nothing for once. This is mind-blowing to me.
5. It doesn’t feel like work, it feels like uninterrupted play.
I can’t stress this one enough.
I know (because I can look around and see all that I’ve been working on over here) that I am “doing a lot,” if you want to call it that. But it doesn’t feel like I’ve done anything.
You know what I’m talking about - you know when you go to work and you feel like you just work work work all day long and you come home, exhausted. And you did so much. You know it. And just don’t want to think about tomorrow.
And then the weekend comes, and you blink, and it’s Monday?
Okay.
This is the opposite.
It’s like
Wow, it’s still Monday!?! Sweet! I have already _______________, and _____ and ____ and _______. I am so ready for tomorrow! And the next day! And the next day!
And when I am just being myself, it feels a little like I’m just playing around with paint. Playing with music. Playing with these stories, these words. Just playing. This isn’t “work” to me.
6. I have a seriously unending supply of creativity, inspiration, and creation energy.
I have wondered before if I would ever run out of inspiration or fuel to keep going. And it seems that whenever I start a painting series, a new one emerges from within. When I work on a song, a few more come through. When I begin to write, a few more prompts come to mind. It is endless.
I am writing this just to acknowledge to myself, stop wondering. You will always be full of inspiration and ideas because this is who you are - it’s part of your process.
The hard part for me is to only focus on the most relevant ones that want to be finished/shared at the current moment. It’s taken me years to allow myself space to dance back and forth between the different mediums that call to me. I paint. I sing. I write. Repeat. You take one away, and I will be out of balance. The lessons I learn in my art help me in my music, and vice versa.
This is probably my favorite advice that I ever give to any fellow creative who asks me where my ideas come from or how I “come up” with all of this stuff.
I don’t.
It’s already inside me, and it springs up and into my awareness at just the right time for me to get it out.
When you become so inspired by your own deep inner well of creative work, it will be really hard to turn it off.
Trust that if you have a true desire to create multiple things, you probably need to create multiple things. Stop listening to people who tell you you can only do one thing for the rest of your life.
You might need to focus on finishing one thing at a time, or sharing one thing at a time, sure. But creation? Creation happens the way it wants to. Just let it out.
Does it take longer if you pursue multiple arts/directions? Maybe? Probably? I can’t answer fully yet because this is the first time in my life I’ve been able to do all of it, all day, all week, all month. And I’m getting faster.
So for me, it’s not a question of how long does it “take” but, how long do I want to create like this and my answer is forever.
But now I’m rabbit trailing, so another day I’ll have to write about why you can’t put your creations on a timeline…
7. It almost feels like I’m not getting anything done, when in reality, I’ve actually done a lot.
I know that to the outside, it might look like nothing has happened or nothing has changed. I get that. I don’t have a million followers. I am not finished with the painting series I’ve just started, the songs I’ve been tending, or the book I’m writing. I know you can’t see all that I have happening, and I’m okay with that.
There is no possible way for me to show on the outside all the work that is being done on the inside - whether that means all that’s happening in the studio, or all that’s happening internally.
This is why I am writing this out, for me and for you.
I am done trying to prove myself on social media, on my website, or anywhere else. I know what I am accomplishing, and that’s what matters most.
The difference here is that I’m not drained. I’m not depleted. I am not “overworked” because this is natural for me. I am not chasing an accomplishment, an award, or a status. I truly just want to create, all day every day, forever.
So looking back, yeah - it feels like I’m not making any “ground” by any standards I’ve ever lived by externally. I have nothing to show for it other than I know what I’m doing, many things are in the works simultaneously, clients are coming through, traffic to my website has somehow more than tripled, and I feel amazing.
8. It takes some serious adjustment.
It took me about 2 weeks to stop freaking out. And I still have my moments.
This is 2020 after all. Everything is already jacked.
So to drop your kids off for school and have no job, no real commitments lined up, etc., is freaking crazy.
But it’s where I’m at right now. And it felt like treading water at first because I was so siked for the opportunity yet also a little panicky at how things are all going to work out. But as I am continuously learning, it’s not up to me to “figure everything out.”
And this is the first time since… ever? that I am not held to a specific schedule (work, school, college, etc.). I have never had this much time in my life to work on my own projects all day long. It is freeing and confronting all at the same time, because it made the “dream” very real to me - and it also showed me very quickly how easy it is to get sucked into a project and lose track of time, to get distracted by other things around the house and in the world, and how flexible I can or can’t be with my own personal timelines and goals and things…
So I am learning, and adjusting, and embracing, and just observing myself in the way that I process all of this happening at once saying, “I can do this… I can do this… I can do this…” and I pray daily that this time extends forever.
9. “Content” happens spontaneously and without the need to plan/brainstorm ideas.
I know a lot about planning content, blog posts, etc. It’s something I’ve done for a long time. But this has been different. These past few months, when I have been in the “zone,” whether it’s painting, singing, or spending time with ideas in my journal, it’s like this faucet has opened and all of these words are bubbling up to be shared. I don’t have to think about what I’m going to post and I don’t have to plan “marketing” things.
I made a deal with myself a long time ago that I didn’t want to follow traditional marketing methods anymore because they interfere with my creative flow. And I’ve been allowing myself to slowly break those rules down to discover which ones are for me and which ones just aren’t.
So it’s refreshing to return to the blog space or social media not because “this is something you have to have on your website to prove that you know things and are relevant,” but from a space of “this is something I know needs to be shared, now.”
10. Everything that used to bug me about “business” (admin things, taxes, marketing, web updates, etc.) feels seamless.
In the past, any time I had to make a change to my website, upload videos, do the sales taxes, etc., it felt like a drain. A pain. I understand that there are just some things that you have to suck up and deal with, but in the past two months, these things just seem to happen spontaneously, when they need to, and I don’t feel the rush or frustration I did in the past. I think it’s because of the time freedom. It doesn’t feel like it’s cutting into my “family time” or “home life” or “creative time” because… it’s not.
11. Too much caffeine ruins my flow.
This is a kicker for me. I already have to chill with the caffeine intake…
But the more I’ve spent this time in my own creative process, the more I have to be ever so careful with caffeine.
It blocks the channel.
It creates too much energy… not the energy I like to work with anymore.
These days, I am all about the natural force of creation energy, the kind of energy that flows through you on its own when you are doing something truly fulfilling and inspiring. It’s pure, it’s vibrant, and it brings through so much insight and intention in a way that caffeine never can.
And on the days I’ve accidentally had a bit too much, it’s as if it totally gets in the way of the calm, meditative state I’d prefer to create in. I can’t write as well, I definitely can’t think the same way, and I’m less in tune with my gut feelings.
The only time I’ve been able to truly enjoy my espresso (at least right now) is when I’m about to work on something that doesn’t require any channeling, creative thinking, decision-making, or intuition… which is a large part of everything I create.
PS. I am learning that it will never go the way I “planned” it would, so I better be open to surprises, opportunities, and ideas to flow through right in the exact moment they need to (trust).