It’s time to let go, my friend.

Most Sunday nights, I take some time to write out my schedule and priorities for the week, and things I don't want to forget.

This is last week's planner spread.

I don’t read/watch the news and I try to stay off social media as much as possible, so I really didn't know the extent of everything that was happening in the world.

I was in the bathtub (lol) just trying to relax before another work week ahead when I found out that both of the boys' schools were closed... until further notice.

Old me would have panicked. Old me would have scrambled to figure out what the heck to do.

But instead, I closed my eyes, my hands went up in the air and I said, "I have been preparing for this moment my whole life."

Bring it on, I thought.

I was filled with peace and dare I say, excitement, because as I've learned it's not up to me to scramble, ever. It’s not my job to figure anything out.

Something bigger is happening.

I know that there are many who will struggle through this pandemic, and I am not saying this has been a cakewalk for myself or that I'm insensitive to others. Not in the least.

But for the time being, I feel that all has returned to what I personally have needed.

No more rushed mornings scrambling out the door. No more cramming work into the hours between drop-off and pickup and feeling like there's no "break" to be found. A true excuse to just do our own thing in our own house in our own yard and reconnect as a family, without the interruption of a school schedule.

We have laughed so much harder and played so much better together this past week than any other time I can remember. We needed this. I needed this.

So last night, as I opened my planner to attempt to map out a few things for this week, I stopped to reflect on this blank spread that was filled with so much unplanned joy last week.

Nothing is ever certain, and yet, when we fill our time and days with predictable schedules, rules, routines… when we go to the same places and see the same people week after week, when we allow our jobs and our bank accounts and our achievements to dictate our sense of security, it creates this false concept of safety that we know what to expect, that we are in control.

But we never were in control to begin with.

Maybe, just maybe, something bigger is happening for you too. Maybe this is what you need, in your life, right now, in whatever form it’s taking at the moment. Maybe this is the moment you’ve been preparing for too…

I believe that this is a special time unfolding for us (as a collective) to take a big, honest look at ourselves and zoom in on the things that are causing true panic right now, internally, personally.

What is it that’s triggering you? What is making you feel anxious or that you don’t know how to handle/cope/figure it out? What is making you feel inadequate? What is making you worry? Is it the news that you read? Is it the fear of losing your job or your finances? Is it not knowing what the heck to do with the kids now that they’re at home and you still have to go to work? Is it fear of causing illness for another person?

I know, I know that this is so hard for so many people, for so many reasons.

What if in this moment, you allowed this “trigger,” this thing that’s causing you to panic and be filled with worry, what if you allowed it to reveal to you what God desperately wants to handle for you?

So often, when we are filled with this anxiety, triggered by whatever is happening around us, it’s honestly just a conflict happening inside. Our mind is holding onto a belief that is keeping us from feeling total surrender and peace. What do you believe inside that’s causing you to fear your future or doubt your safety and decisions at this moment?

It’s time to let it go, my friend.

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10)

Peace is a covenant. It was never taken away from you. It’s still here, calling to you. It’s still here, waiting for you to take hold of it and let it guide you.

But in order to take hold of it, you have to let go of the reigns.

You are safe to trust the unknown. You are safe to let go of your expectations, your anxious thoughts, your beliefs about what you “should do” right now in this time. It’s okay.

You are okay. You always will be.

Sending love to you during this strange place in time. If you need a friend, or a listening ear, I’m here. If you need a safe space to let some words out, a safe container to hold your fear or processing, I’m here.

XO, Caitlin

♥

perfect discovery

"perfect discovery"

I have been through a lot. And as my life has been pulled from one phase to the next, so has my art. I see that it's literally a reflection of what's going on inside of me, I know that. And I'm still intrigued by the way it teaches me about myself in ways that no friend, counselor, or self-help book can.

The past few weeks I've been really into taking old scraps and making them into something new. I now see the significance.

I think it's part of a healing process, but it looks to me like I'm taking old broken pieces of myself - things that were let go of, ignored, stifled, or suppressed, things that have changed over the years, things that were packed away - and looking at them with new eyes.

How did I become the way I am today? What can I do with all of these broken pieces? How can I make this new and whole again?

Those are some of the questions that have been on my mind as I see these pieces take shape.

This one, in particular, was really hard for some reason. I had originally been using this piece of paper underneath a painting to catch the dripping paint so that it wouldn't splatter onto the floor (those pink and blue splatters on the bottom layer). I saved the paper to use again, but one day I was teaching Ralph about mixed media painting - I’d spread out all the different supplies I had and grabbed a few pieces of “scrap paper” to work with. So this was in that stack of scrap paper, and when I saw it, something about it told me this was the “first layer” of a painting. (for more about my painting process, click here)

I got out a watercolor pencil and wrote down the words that were on my mind across the top of the paper. Then I made one "response" after another, listening to whatever felt good to add next, and doing it.

I looked through my mixed media supplies and found a Zip-loc bag full of magazine pages and scraps I’ve saved since high school. I used to decorate my binder covers with them. Anyway, one of the pages I’ve saved forever has a picture of a giant amusement park swing on it - you know, the ones that light up like a carousel and you’re suspended as it swings you around its axis in a circle and tilts to the side a bit, makes you feel like you’re floating.

I've added parts of swing to my vision board because I imagine that feeling when I’m writing music - suspended, floating, lit up - so adding a little piece of it here on this mixed media painting felt uplifting and like I'm on the right track.

But there was this big spot on the paper that no matter what I added to it or painted around it, it just felt wrong.

So I dug through my paper scraps one more time and found this beautiful bird (I think it’s a heron?). I love birds. And though it has literally nothing to do with anything else on this painting, though it's pretty bare in terms of color and design, it made total sense to add it right there on top of the mess, to literally cover up the part that was bothering me with something that felt new and beautiful.

But the bird was so different than every other element of the painting that it did stick out a little bit, so I decided to soften it down. I used some thin white paint to blend around it and out towards the edge of the watercolor paper. I covered over the words so that they felt softer too.

“perfect” and “discovery” stared at me.

I stared back and thought to myself, “this feels like me.”

There are very few paintings I’ve ever finished that caused me to feel that way. Most of them are just satisfying to finish, and though they all have their own symbolic message or meaning to them, not all of them truly “feel like me.”

But this one did. And it’s very different than most of the work I’ve done to date. It’s very different from the other paintings that have also “felt like me.”

And now I understand why - because it literally is me. It is totally representative of where I’m at right now.

I am the scrap paper.

I was used to keep a mess from spilling.

I was used to keep the surface clean.

I am the keeper of what spilled over and was left with me.

I am the one that is stuck with a mess.

I have done everything I can

to fix it, to blend it, to change it, to make peace with it,

to make it beautiful again.

I have added my inspiration to it

and put my dreams into it,

a way of trying to keep going

when I probably should have stopped.

And still there was this mess

I couldn’t do anything about.

So I looked through all of me and

AHA!

This!

I will put this

beautiful new thing

right on top and it will cover up the mess.

It will make it all new again…

Well.

Okay, that was good,

but now everything else has to settle down.

Everything else has to be calm

for this new thing to work.

How can I make everything else calm?

I must soften up all those thoughts

that used to tell me everything has to be perfect to work out.

I have to accept

that the best discoveries are made when we

let go of perfection

and what we think has to happen

in order to allow and receive what happens

naturally, softly, gently.

What unfolds on its own.

But to do that, everything else must be calm.

And in this calm you see, the beautiful is still the center of it all,

it’s still the focus.

But everything else must be

calm.

And this, my friends,

is the perfect discovery.

You may not understand this, and that’s okay with me. I know it’s a bit abstract.

But that’s the whole point of art isn’t it? To express what’s hard to put into words? To reveal the within?

♥

you already are.

Today I was sitting at the park, watching the kids play on the playground, and I was reflecting on my weekend.

Every other weekend, my kids go to their dad’s house for a few days, and I’ve trained myself to try to get as much done in this time as possible.

It’s been really hard. At first, I would do too many fun things and not enough work. Other times, I would do too much work and not enough fun things. And pretty much all of those weekends, I wasn’t truly resting.

It’s taken me over a year of trying to figure out my new “normal” and to create “balance” on these weekends to realize that sometimes, I just don’t know when to stop.

To just stop.

To stop “doing.”

It’s just like painting.

I will paint and paint and paint and paint, and there will be paint everywhere. Do you know what happens when you keep painting wet paint over wet paint, multiple colors, over and over, without giving it any dry time?

Let me tell you - it all turns to mud.

So that was me this weekend, I was a big crying mess. Things that don’t normally upset me were the end of the world, and all the things I thought I’d been working through came back up all over again and it was just a mess.

So today, at the park, I was thinking about all that. I was wondering… when is the last time I just stopped? that I just wasn’t doing anything?

I think I just try to capitalize on my time so much that I don’t let any go to waste - to a fault. I’ve convinced myself that stopping for a minute and resting could potentially keep me from reaching my goals. And the last time I reflected on this I went the totally opposite direction and dropped all goals altogether (see post about 2019 here).

I’m not an expert on this, but I feel like it comes from having such a long to-do list for myself - even if they’re really great things I want to do. Things that make my business work, things that are helpful, things that make me happy. And yeah, they are usually all geared towards taking care of my family or pursuing my dreams.

But at the end of every day, it’s still this lingering list. I get really frustrated because I feel like I work so hard on everything every day, and it’s not “happening” as fast as I want it to. And that’s probably the root of the issue right there - it’s not happening as fast as I want it to.

And even when I know this is unhealthy, even when I would strongly advise others not to do as I do, I still end up reverting back to these old habits.

But today, something different happened as I was reflecting.

New thoughts started forming in my mind, thoughts that immediately restored my energy and made me feel at peace. They made me feel like my head was actually connected to my body, thank you very much, and that I was back in alignment.

These words are the whole reason I wanted to share all of this with you today. Because if you’re feeling tired and overwhelmed, like you’re not measuring up, like you work really hard and it seems to get you nowhere, like you don’t know when you’ll ever catch a break - I’m wondering if this will help you feel what I felt when I thought these words.

So here they are - please replace the italic words with whatever you are, whatever you’re doing. Make it your words, your story.

I already am an artist.

I already am a singer-songwriter.

I already am a writer.

I already guide others.

I don’t have to prove myself because this is how I always will be.

This isn’t my daily work - this is my life’s work.

I will accomplish all my ideas and goals because this is how I live.

All of the dreams I have will happen at just the right time because I am being myself and trusting what that means by showing up as who I know I am each day.

This is who I was created to be.

Today, my responsibility is to provide for my children by working a job that provides me immediate and exact pay for the work I do.

This doesn’t mean that I will never be a full-time artist, this means that today I have a job to do.

I will spend my free time becoming more myself, doing things I enjoy with people I love, and resting in truth.

Sometimes those things are in direct correlation with making my dreams come true.

Sometimes, they are just living.

Both are right.

Both are progress.

Both count.

Man, that feels so much better than “not enough.”

♥